Change...

Wow. Nearly a year away from blogging. That's a bit more than a break, huh? Truth be told, I was struggling. I keep reading about 'finding my blogging voice' and just felt totally overwhelmed, uninspired and discouraged. A year on and, having just read back through some of my old posts, I just realised that they SOUND LIKE ME. Weird. I can hear myself talking when I read. Ha!

So what's new? My Baby Boo became a teenager. She sleeps, eats and steals my clothes and shoes. Ollie the Hamster sadly left us. Bloody little critter got right under my skin and left a whole in my heart when he departed for Hammy Heaven. So much so that we haven't replaced him. I got posted from the North East of England back down South. We're only forty minutes from London now so I must explore. My Baby Sister got engaged and I got a new pair of running shoes. Hmm... hardly seems fair! I'm off medication and therapy free and have been for three months. Yay me! Oh, and I bought a bright red lipstick. Other than that we're still here, plodding on, plotting and planning our first holiday in six years. 

How are you lot all doing?

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Happy New Year (Resolution Time).

Happy New Year (nearly) and a very Merry Christmas to everyone! Giddy goodness. I done it again. Huge gap in posts. Ah, well, nearly New Year is as good a time as any to get this wee baby up and running again and it's also resolution time. I'm pants at keeping them so this year I thought long and hard about how I could make things a bit easier for myself. None of this 'win the lottery' or 'build a house from egg boxes' for me. I can't cope with the pressure and then the failure. I thought about the things that annoy me about myself or things that I really wish I was better at and the things I love and came up with this list:

1.  I'm an avid crocheter but I am CRAP at finishing projects. I get half way through, lose interest and move on the the 'next big thing', which also gets abandoned half way through.

2. I would rather eat my own foot than have to turn the oven on. I live off cereal, pasta and pitta breads stuffed with cheese and salad.

3. I've been an Irish Dancer since long before the Riverdance made it fashionable. I started when I was about 7 and stopped at 15. Started again at 21 and stopped about a year and a half ago.

4. I have a massive aversion to getting out of bed in the morning, hit snooze a good 3 times and end up leaving myself with approximately 3 minutes and 28 seconds to wash, dress, eat and get to work.

5. I love this blog but feel so overwhelmed at the quality of all the other blogs I read that I abandon it on a regular basis, convinced I'm boring, crap, never going to match up blah blah.

So, to this end - here be my New Year's Resolutions. Ta-daaah!

1. Started something? Finish it. Stop thinking the next project will be waaaay better than the thing you're half way through. Imagine the pleasure of actually having a finished item that you made.

2. Ok, so you hate cooking. And you're not overly bothered about food to be honest. Start simple. A few ingredients, a small amount of prep and cooking time et voila! A meal that doesn't come out of a cereal box! Make it colourful. Everything looks more appealing when it looks like a big ole rainbow.

3. Dance. You love it, it makes you smile, keeps you fit and gives you knock out legs. Find a local class and get stuck back in.

4. Willpower. That's what is needed here. Think about how you feel in the morning when you are hopping round the room, one leg in your combats, toothbrush in mouth and trying to get your hair up and boots on all at the same time. It sucks. You feel stressed. Make time for a slow start to the day.

5. Sod everyone else. This is your blog. Stop worrying and comparing and just enjoy it. Get rid of the self-induced pressure and write what feels good. Who's going to die because your blog isn't the best in the world? Hmm?

You know what..... I actually think I can do this.... Hurrah for 2012!

Pinterest

Fear - We all have it.

The lovely Ashley over at Eisy Morgan has recently set up a wee blogging therapy group - a chance for us to all have a little chat about the things that cause us pain and worry and, maybe, to feel a little release after doing so. The prompt for today's session was 'Fear' and I felt an IMMEDIATE need to start clacking away at the keyboard. I'm not one for discussing anything vaguely emotional both in my life or on my blog and the main reason for this.... ? Fear. Fear of being judged, fear of saying too much, fear of making myself vulnerable. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) both of which have completely taken over my life. I worry ALL the time about EVERYTHING. I worry that I'm not a good enough Mum but I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it. I worry that I'm failing as a soldier, that I'm weak for not being able to cope with the things I've seen and experienced but to highlight these worries to my bosses? What if they think less of me? What if, what if, what if. My biggest fear? Failure.

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Over the last year I have become increasingly more isolated. I stopped eating, sleeping, socialising or leaving the house unless I absolutely had to. I worried people would stare at me in the shops, that I am constantly being judged and falling short. I worry that my blog is crap, that I talk crap and no one gives a shit about my crap. I worry that my clothes aren't up to scratch, that my hair will get laughed at, that if do make an effort people will think I've tried to hard. I worry that I'll never be as fit as I want to be, as slim as I want to be, that I'll never get to travel out of combats , that I may never get a full night's sleep again. I worry that I'll be single forever, that no one could possibly love me, that I am just too much like hard work. I worry. Constantly. And those worries turn in to fear that gnaws away at my stomach and stop me from enjoying just about anything.

I've recently started a long course of therapy and medication and I'm already much better than I was this time last year (when I was pretending everything was ok). And if there's one thing I've learnt it's that this fear has taken over my life. I'm being taught to ask myself 'What's the worst that can happen?' and this ranges from anything as trivial as 'if I wear a nice dress to the shops' to 'if I tell my boss when I'm having a really bad day'. This fear has stopped me from getting out and about with my wee one, from joining a climbing group, from going for the promotion I wanted. My therapist also makes me highlight the things I already CAN do even though I worry I'm not doing them well enough. For example I wear a UK size 10 and I'm 5ft 6. If I wore a smaller size I'd probably look ill so why do I think I need to be slimmer? I can outrun most of the boys I work with because I do phys every day. One because I like to work out and two because it stabilises my anxiety. So why did I think I need to be fitter? Who do I want to be fitter than? Everyone? No one.

The best thing I've learnt is to take each fear, problem and worry and break it down into bitesize chunks and then to deal with each little mouthful separately. And also to look at the bigger picture as highlighted above. I am slim, I am fit and my daughter is outgoing, happy, smiley and bright so I must be doing something right. It's just remembering to remind myself of this stuff EVERDAY so I don't lose focus. I still have much to work on but I'm gritting my teeth and getting stuck in. It's exhausting, painful and slow but I feel a little bit more like me each week so the struggle has GOT to be worth it.

Via

Wow. Did I ever need to get that out in the open. Thanks for listening.

Linking to....

I'm about to rant...

For the most part I love blogging and I super love reading blogs but sometimes I see things that make me go a bit red and misty. One of the things really gripping me at the moment is the constant argument over whether we should be able to share other pictures, tutorials, ideas from other people's blogs. I think this depends on the content. And the re-poster's intent. There's a fairly large divide between sharing a tutorial with your readers and, say posting up a tutorial and claiming it as your own. There's a definite right and wrong there and I think most of us have enough integrity and intelligence to know the difference. I'm well aware that there are some that don't but I do think they are in the minority. I rarely see pictures around the blogosphere that don't link back to the original source or at least give credit to the owner.

I recently saw a blog post from someone who is upset about someone 'taking' her pictures and pinning them to Pinterest despite the fact that they gave full credit and when you clicked on the pics they sent you straight back to her blog. I don't see how this is taking?! Pinterest for me in an online scrapbook and saves me hours of printing off, cutting and sticking but I'm wondering if going back to my old methods might be less agro. And what about if I see something I love and stick it on my desktop to show my Mum? Is that allowed? What makes me laugh is that the biggest culprits are often the ones that constantly hold giveaways, sell ad space and sponsorship and are constantly trying to draw in more readers. You'd think they'd be kind of pleased and flattered that people are promoting the good things they do at no cost to them, surely? Or am I totally wrong here?

I also have a big problem with people that write shitty posts and then use a bad day, week, month as the reason behind it. This, to me, is akin to texting when drunk. I have had some bloody awful days recently but did any of you lot know how awful? No, because I don't feel this is the place to air my dirty washing. I pick up the phone for a good whinge. I don't hit out at the lovely people that take the time and effort to read my rambling (that would be you gorgeous lot) so to drop a shit bomb every time I feel a bit crap.... not fair, really is it?

When I use images in my blog I credit them. If I can't, I put a shout out to anyone that might know the original source and I never claim them as my own. Same with tutorials. If I had to write and get permission from everyone whose pictures I use I'd never have time to blog.... or hoover.... or sew.... or crochet. It's all got a bit silly really. There's a severe case of Princess-itus going round if you ask me. Not that you did. Just saying.

End of rant.

Cartoon by Cox and Forkum

Stick with me...

The madness is almost over. Please wait for me! Back real soon, I promise. Thank you for all the lovely comments you've left whilst I've been running round like a headless chicken. Really boosted my flagging morale :) You guys are fab.

Why I blog...

Why do we blog? Do you ever ask yourself that question? I never had until today but after reading Alycia's post over at The Curious Pug I couldn't stop asking myself. I got so absorbed in this one, little question that my cup of tea went cold and I forgot to eat the three Jaffa Cakes I'd just stealthily removed from the biscuit tin! I know! I forgot to eat biscuits! I still haven't really answered this question to my satisfaction but I came up with a few things.

1. I started blogging out of pure jealousy. I saw pretty, inspirational, funny blogs and I wanted one. Simple as that. I still have a long way to go but I'll get there one day. I still very much feel like a newbie.

2. When Baby Boo first went to boarding school I was so lonely and so sad that I completely shut myself away from 'real' people. Not that you guys aren't real but the people I worked with, socialised with - I cut them all off. I just wanted to cry... and you can write blog posts without anyone ever knowing you have tears running down your face. This doesn't work so well with face to face conversations. Funnily enough.

3. I discovered 'crafting' soon after Boo went to school and I kind of hoped that one day I'd be good enough at something to be able to do cute tutorials for the cute things I've made. Still working on this one too. It's not helped by the fact that I'm still in that phase of trying everything because it's still so new and exciting.

4. Once I'd started blogging and discovered how much I enjoyed it, I vowed to get better at it. To build the kind of blog I'd always wanted when I first began reading other people's. I want to learn html and photoshop and learn how to take good pictures and how to write things people will enjoy reading without compromising me and the things I want to write about.

5. It's made me realise what a big place the world is. I love reading blogs from the US and Australia and the UK and Japan and... well, you get the picture. It's nice to throw a little bit of Germany in to the mix. Though with our move back to England I'll just have to blog about the good old North East coast! Stand by, stand by! 

6. To make new friends. I love people. People are awesome.

How about you? Why do you blog? Pop over to The Curious Pug for a little linky party.

Via

Sleep? It rings a bell....

I've been awake for 52 hours. I'd like to tell you I'm doing it for charity but, truth be told, I'm just having one of those stressy, worry about anything and everything weeks and I still feel unsettled without Baby Boo. I'm beyond exhausted, slightly on the hyper side and possibly bordering on deleriousness (yes, it IS a word. Well, it is now).

Going without sleep = bad
Discovering new internet goodies as a result = hurrah!

Look what I found whilst googling 'pesto pasta'..... at 3am this morning....

Food Gawker! How have I never found this before?! A website where all the best foody blogs in the world kindly place all their yummy recipes in one spot with links to their blogs saving me hours of searching and RSI!! I found this scrummy recipe and even dribbled a bit at the picture. It's ok, I had my PJ's on.

Gimme some Oven Found via Food Gawker!

I know! Amazing, right? Wait, wait....it gets better....

Dwelling Gawker! Yep, thousands and millions of pictures of fabbity, gorgeous homes. Suddenly 3am isn't so bad though it would be much better if I lived here and could nip out for a night time swim....

Studio Home found via Dwelling Gawker.
Yeah baby!

Oh, did you think I was finished? Nope, saving the best for last....

Craft Gawker! By the time I found this I was almost wetting myself with excitement. Seriously. I may even have jumped up and down on my bed a bit. Maybe.

I'm heading down town in a bit so I can buy what I need to make this!

Between the Lines found via Craft Gawker.
Hurrah!

Happy browsing everyone. Let me know what you think. Just nudge me if my eyes are shut.