This Wednesday.... I want.

A Smeg fridge! And not just a little bit but a LOT. Unfortunately they cost a LOT and I don't have a LOT so now I'm sulking. A LOT....

I suppose I've got three options really.....

1.  Get over it.
2.  Start putting away a little bit of moolah every month.
3.  Paint current, crappy fridge a pretty colour and write 'Smeg' on it.

Oh what to do, what to do.

Think I'll just stare at these for a while whilst I ponder away...

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Happy New Year (Resolution Time).

Happy New Year (nearly) and a very Merry Christmas to everyone! Giddy goodness. I done it again. Huge gap in posts. Ah, well, nearly New Year is as good a time as any to get this wee baby up and running again and it's also resolution time. I'm pants at keeping them so this year I thought long and hard about how I could make things a bit easier for myself. None of this 'win the lottery' or 'build a house from egg boxes' for me. I can't cope with the pressure and then the failure. I thought about the things that annoy me about myself or things that I really wish I was better at and the things I love and came up with this list:

1.  I'm an avid crocheter but I am CRAP at finishing projects. I get half way through, lose interest and move on the the 'next big thing', which also gets abandoned half way through.

2. I would rather eat my own foot than have to turn the oven on. I live off cereal, pasta and pitta breads stuffed with cheese and salad.

3. I've been an Irish Dancer since long before the Riverdance made it fashionable. I started when I was about 7 and stopped at 15. Started again at 21 and stopped about a year and a half ago.

4. I have a massive aversion to getting out of bed in the morning, hit snooze a good 3 times and end up leaving myself with approximately 3 minutes and 28 seconds to wash, dress, eat and get to work.

5. I love this blog but feel so overwhelmed at the quality of all the other blogs I read that I abandon it on a regular basis, convinced I'm boring, crap, never going to match up blah blah.

So, to this end - here be my New Year's Resolutions. Ta-daaah!

1. Started something? Finish it. Stop thinking the next project will be waaaay better than the thing you're half way through. Imagine the pleasure of actually having a finished item that you made.

2. Ok, so you hate cooking. And you're not overly bothered about food to be honest. Start simple. A few ingredients, a small amount of prep and cooking time et voila! A meal that doesn't come out of a cereal box! Make it colourful. Everything looks more appealing when it looks like a big ole rainbow.

3. Dance. You love it, it makes you smile, keeps you fit and gives you knock out legs. Find a local class and get stuck back in.

4. Willpower. That's what is needed here. Think about how you feel in the morning when you are hopping round the room, one leg in your combats, toothbrush in mouth and trying to get your hair up and boots on all at the same time. It sucks. You feel stressed. Make time for a slow start to the day.

5. Sod everyone else. This is your blog. Stop worrying and comparing and just enjoy it. Get rid of the self-induced pressure and write what feels good. Who's going to die because your blog isn't the best in the world? Hmm?

You know what..... I actually think I can do this.... Hurrah for 2012!

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Fear - We all have it.

The lovely Ashley over at Eisy Morgan has recently set up a wee blogging therapy group - a chance for us to all have a little chat about the things that cause us pain and worry and, maybe, to feel a little release after doing so. The prompt for today's session was 'Fear' and I felt an IMMEDIATE need to start clacking away at the keyboard. I'm not one for discussing anything vaguely emotional both in my life or on my blog and the main reason for this.... ? Fear. Fear of being judged, fear of saying too much, fear of making myself vulnerable. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) both of which have completely taken over my life. I worry ALL the time about EVERYTHING. I worry that I'm not a good enough Mum but I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it. I worry that I'm failing as a soldier, that I'm weak for not being able to cope with the things I've seen and experienced but to highlight these worries to my bosses? What if they think less of me? What if, what if, what if. My biggest fear? Failure.

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Over the last year I have become increasingly more isolated. I stopped eating, sleeping, socialising or leaving the house unless I absolutely had to. I worried people would stare at me in the shops, that I am constantly being judged and falling short. I worry that my blog is crap, that I talk crap and no one gives a shit about my crap. I worry that my clothes aren't up to scratch, that my hair will get laughed at, that if do make an effort people will think I've tried to hard. I worry that I'll never be as fit as I want to be, as slim as I want to be, that I'll never get to travel out of combats , that I may never get a full night's sleep again. I worry that I'll be single forever, that no one could possibly love me, that I am just too much like hard work. I worry. Constantly. And those worries turn in to fear that gnaws away at my stomach and stop me from enjoying just about anything.

I've recently started a long course of therapy and medication and I'm already much better than I was this time last year (when I was pretending everything was ok). And if there's one thing I've learnt it's that this fear has taken over my life. I'm being taught to ask myself 'What's the worst that can happen?' and this ranges from anything as trivial as 'if I wear a nice dress to the shops' to 'if I tell my boss when I'm having a really bad day'. This fear has stopped me from getting out and about with my wee one, from joining a climbing group, from going for the promotion I wanted. My therapist also makes me highlight the things I already CAN do even though I worry I'm not doing them well enough. For example I wear a UK size 10 and I'm 5ft 6. If I wore a smaller size I'd probably look ill so why do I think I need to be slimmer? I can outrun most of the boys I work with because I do phys every day. One because I like to work out and two because it stabilises my anxiety. So why did I think I need to be fitter? Who do I want to be fitter than? Everyone? No one.

The best thing I've learnt is to take each fear, problem and worry and break it down into bitesize chunks and then to deal with each little mouthful separately. And also to look at the bigger picture as highlighted above. I am slim, I am fit and my daughter is outgoing, happy, smiley and bright so I must be doing something right. It's just remembering to remind myself of this stuff EVERDAY so I don't lose focus. I still have much to work on but I'm gritting my teeth and getting stuck in. It's exhausting, painful and slow but I feel a little bit more like me each week so the struggle has GOT to be worth it.

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Wow. Did I ever need to get that out in the open. Thanks for listening.

Linking to....

Red Nose Day

All around the world today there are a vast number of bloggers participating in a Day of Silence for Japan. Here in the UK it is Red Nose Day and, in my opinion, not a day to keep quiet. We have all been devastated by the news reaching us from Japan and I know many of us have wept tears of both grief and relief. Grief for those suffering right now and relief that we are not one of them. What Red Nose Day highlights is that, though Japan is being heavily featured on the news at the moment, there are many more people suffering and desperately needing our help.


For those of you unfamiliar with Red Nose Day:

Red Nose Day is a day like no other when the whole country gets together to do something funny for money and change countless lives in the process.

It all culminates in a night of cracking TV on the BBC with some of the biggest names in comedy and entertainment.

And the best bit? All the fun and mayhem helps to raise cash and transform lives across the UK and Africa.

All the money raised and donated by the public goes directly towards projects that transform people's lives across Africa and at home in the UK.

In Africa, your money helps to restore people's sight, to protect families from deadly malaria, to give an education to children whose lives have been torn apart by war, and so much more.

Across the UK your cash can help to provide comfort for isolated older people and help to give young carers their childhoods back. In fact, wherever you are in the UK, it's likely you're never more than 30 miles from a Comic Relief supported project.

If you can spare just a little bit of money tonight...... whatever you can afford...... you could be helping:

Will from Stoke on Trent

Rukia from Tanzania

Sunday from Uganda

Ian and Selina from Gloucestershire

and many more just like them.

Do what you can. Be funny for money!!!!

Words and Images from the OFFICIAL www.rednoseday.com

Sunday - it's a funny day.

I always find Sundays really hard work. I don't know if it's because, traditionally, it's supposed to be a day of peace and calm and I am crap at sitting still but I always find I play the 'my life would be so much better if' game an awful lot on Sundays. Does anyone else do this? My life would be better if I was thinner, fatter, taller, smaller, richer, poorer...... ? Sometimes I wish for important things and other times I wish for silly things. My current list goes something like this:

My life would be better if I lived here:

Or if I had a craft room

Or these shoes

Or if I could take a gap year (at the age of 30!) and go backpacking

Am I too old to go backpacking? That's something else I worry about (mainly on Sundays). Would I get laughed at by all the young ones? Sigh. I need to go do something productive. Then I won't have time for all this thinking. Time to break out the crochet....

A little Lemon Yellow....

Lemon yellow is the colour I most associate with Spring. Pretty, subdued and pastel. That's three posts on Spring and your know why? Because the sun has been shining for three days straight over here in Germany! After a long, cold, dreary Winter I can actually feel a little bit of hope building up inside me that THIS is going to be a good year. Sigh. Anyone know what the weather is like in the UK? I'm flying in tonight for two weeks with my lovely family and I plan to spend as much time down on the beach as I can. Hell, I'd sleep down there if there wasn't a risk that the north-east winds would blow me straight in to the sea tent and all!

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